Day 74

Planned for our first vacation without you Srikant...
Was sceptical, doubtful and unsure...but the smile on Aaryans face changed my mind.

Iam sure, you would have done the same thing.

We both believe we deserve that break from this routine...

I know u have been instrumental in getting everything in place..Love you Jaan😍

Day 71

we bought a dog on 6th Oct for Aaryan.
he is extremely happy!

as you know he waited for it for more than three years now...

the date of birth of the dog as per the kennel is 30 July...the same day you left us.

hence Aaryan is very connected to it..he feels you sent him to take care of us😊
 

Day 66

Its been almost five days I didn't write to you...
if you ask me why, I wouldn't have an answer.

What is bothering me the most these days Is that are people slowly forgetting you?
I need to do something about it...

It's just been two months now...
or is it just my feeling...
love you...


 

Day 61

Aaryan scored <72% in his term 1 finals.
Iam proud of him as this is, despite what all he is gone through during this time and many lessons he missed.

I will now have to ensure his scores doesn't drop anyway...

I told you Srikant, he will make both of us proud.

Now I don't want to wait long to fulfil our promise to him, of a dog.

His lifetime companion...Dojo

❤
 

Day 60

Day 60,
for what?

You are with me...
I see you daily, feel you daily- in Aaryan,around me and In me.

❤

 

Day 57

Missing you alot now...
The more I look at your lively pictures, the more my heart denies to believe you are not alive....

This challenges me....its says its not possible

Though iam preparing for your monthly ritual tomorrow...my heart doesn't agree with it

It says how can you do it for some one who is alive in you, your thought and with you in every moment....

But iam trying to explain it, this would be good for your stay there in outer world...the moment I say that...anything for good of you Shrik...
anytime, forever ❤

Day 55

There is a part of the day, that brings tears into my eyes automatically...

Every day, this feeling of grief swallows me, when I feel your absence around me....

The pain has not reduced, the intervals of burst out have reduced...they became controlled and don't come as a outburst.

The feeling of emptiness has not reduced...but means to overcome it have increased.

Missing you has not gone, cherishing your memories have increased...

Reason to live has not increased bit want to fulfil your incomplete tasks have increased...

Day 54

Iam expected to stay in the hospital to take care of Mummy....

Isn't it strange that iam not even given time to come out of my situation...

 

Day 53

Mom visited to see me yesterday....
was feeling little restless as we were feeling too much choked by people around us.

Was also feeling, why is Mom coming when we just met a day before..but I know she didn't wanted to leave that chance to see us again.

She fell down near bathroom...i was busy making tea in the kitchen and she slipped and fell off the door mat.
she then after applying spray and hot patch started moving a little then we thought it was a muscle catch....but after doctor check up, it was a fracture...i still don't understand how?

Now I know...this will be an issue that she fell here , not more for me but she would be accused of it.

Parallely people are slightly away from us...as they are busy with mom...
kind of good for is.
we get some breathing time...

she also would get some rest...though associated with some initial pain...but yes. She too needs rest.

I somehow feel its all you, who did it...

iam I true???

Love you anyway...

Day 51

Today I went to a Therapist...
It being a first visit, I don't know of that had helped me...but yeah I could vent out- which were were answering many of my own questions.

Doing this exercise I was realizing that you always kept me ready to be able to manage everything independently...

Iam wrong completely when I said you don't teach me how to live without you, you did!
Everyday and in everything I do...
A Big Thank you for preparing me...
Was feeling bit worried when I started looking at Aaryan... He cant 'ever' spend his time with his favourite Dad!
Must be very tough for him...but he is accepted it...and i see the way he searches that with me...

I decided I will ensure to give him that time, without fail.
Irrespective of mu illness or weakness....
After all its not easy to be the " The Best Dad" you were😘

Day 50

Its 50th Day today...

Unbelievable, how is this even possible Srikant???

I still am not able to digest it yet...

Today was Rakhi...was very difficult for your sisters to accept your absence.

I was also thinking about your hand without Rakhi today...which never happened.
Then, Shobhaji told me she tied one to god today and it relived me that Rakhi reached you my love!!!

But I was missing you all the time...sitting besides you and getting the rakhi tied on my hand....
those days will never come back...ever!!


 

Day 47

Yesterday I went to pick your personal items from office....i felt so miserable as I have never expected to collect your items from office.

After I reached home...me and sonny sat down to open it, we see your small world infolded.
Which is so beautiful with acknowledgment cards, Thank you cards, appreciation notes and a lot of team scribbles to you, as a best Boss and a Leader...

This comforts me that you had always lived your life to the fullest and the way you want...so much so that God was fond of you and took you away 😭

 

Day 45

I feel very low today...
Things that seems to be doable looks very difficult now.
But iam sure you will give me that strength to move on...to be able to gather my confidence back to move on...
its you and only you who can do this for me...

I raise my arms to ask you for the strength to pass tho life without any difficulty...

 

Day 41

I started talking to, reading about few inspirational and brave single moms I knew of. Will help me survive, though every story is different and so is the cause...but the result has been more so ever the same....

I look our love story to be incomparable to anyone else's...
Where you find true love, there is no pain and where there is pain, true love didn't exist.

Now people started taking to me with a common line that, " you must have settled down now"...i wonder did I? Will I ever be able to???

Probably what they meant was, me accepting the truth of life and moving on...
like a very close cousin of mine called me today and says..how is your son, because I know you can never be over....

Iam glad, there are people who understand me...other than you.

 

Happy Birthday Love 💖

I love You and a very Happy Birthday to you 😘

Iam being bold and brave in order to accomplish all the tasks in hand today, but somewhere inside iam grieving!

Iam missing my soul, my better half and the love of my life...

I know where ever you are, you would be fine and I will ensure me and Aaryan would be fine and ...happy here.

Love you loads and don't forget Iam eagerly waiting for the day to reunite with you😚

 

Day 40 contd

Today I bought Dog food, plants for your birthday tomorrow.

I don't know how would I be tomorrow...this would be first birthday in the last 18 years- that we are not together- physically.
I know you are always with us and I understand how difficult it must be for you missing both of us...

I bought a Cherry tree...it not only blossoms with fruits but also gives an umbrella shade. I thought it would be apt for a road side.

Aaryan also wanted to feed the stray dogs in our locality. He calls them his friends and hence wanted to treat them with food on his dad's birthday.

We are doing all these to create an essence of this day and to keep ourselves busy.
Because I know, we both are going to miss you alot ❤

Day 40

Every book I read reconfirms to me, that you are very happy and blissful -wherever you are and the only thing that makes you sad, is we being sad.

I have also learnt that , you are lucky to have reached the eternal bliss, where Death is a celebration and not something to be sad of....

It is somewhere I would catch up with you in some years now...
You are everywhere around me and more available for me, to guide me and strengthen me like never before.

It's now upto me, to come of this grief to be able to accomplish the task, rendered by you- to makeout son live upto our and his dreams successfully.

Day 38

I feel like crippled, handicap...
I became so helpless without you, because you never thought me to be dependent on any one.

It was always you and by myself, here the conditions expect me to be dependent on others. Forcibly, I know I can do few things by myself, but iam expected to seek peoples help and listen a may be expression.

I sometimes feel this is because of the society we are in...they generalise too much...
If one needs help, doesn't mean everyone does.
 

Day 36

I miss you alot!

Every morning I wake up wanting to change everything back to normal.
But every night I sleep in despair as reality blows me hard!

 

Day 35

I got a book, a gift from one of my old friend .
The book spoke about a woman,s struggle with cancer and how he got healed after her NDE...

NDE- that was interesting to me, as it talks about her experiences when she was in the another realm.
It soothed me and gave me a relief and confidence, how happy you would be there. In the world of no pain and how free and liberated you must be feeling away from all this clutches of pain, suffering, emotions and worthless relationships.

It also taught me and reconfirmed to me, that you are here and every where around me....
So when I feel you when I drive your car, or every time I pass by your picture, is just not my imagination or hallucination...its You Srikant...

I didn't finish the book and kept it aside for later read, as for me only the NDE(Near to Death Experience) was important...to confirm it to me that you are happy and blissful where ever you are, THOUGH AWAY FROM ME....

Day 33

I am still feeling comfortable and finding solace in saying, whatever iam doing is controlled by you...

It makes me feel iam with you, as I was earlier.
You are a part of every decision I take and every move I make...
makes me content and happy that you are there with me...

I cried today evening seeing you in the picture...was wondering how am I able to survive without you- for such a long time.

Aaryan consoles me saying,iam missing him too...that bought more tears to me. The worst fear I have is Aaryan not able to express his grief and suffer with it through his life.

we would fail as parents then...

Day 31

Today is the day I lost you last month...30th July- can never ever forget it.

Was wondering if I can request god to relive this time...don't know if it would save you for me.

Is there anything that could bring you back to me???

To be positive and optimistic in life-
Hold on Honey, I will finish task in this world, in no time and reunite with you soon..

Until then, don't leave my hand because iam made to do things with You and this belief can make me cross thousand rivers without a sigh!


 

Day 29

Everytime you ask me how I miss u, I just point out to the stars in the sky and ask you to count....

The dependency level on you has been so high that it is very difficult to think about being a single mother....very tough to even try ink of that word.
So I decided would never want ri be called that...would Aaryan and everyone around us including me feel you around....in all my decisions, my acts and my deeds.

Strange part now is, people around do still have expectations in the way Iam supposed to react, behave...
Not that iam given chance or time to adapt to the humongous change in my life...

You know me...would not take time to balance myself, to Stan up and say, Iam fine and can manage myself...

 

Day 30

Was extremely tired today...
I slept off early.

Was overwhelmed by the day and the moment....
Everytime I remember, how this day changed our lives , it still leaves me speechless and appalled.


 

Day 29

Time flies...
I still can't believe, something that is yet to sink in me - has almost crossed a month now😞

Tomorrow is your monthly ceremony Shrik and this things keep yelling loud in my ears that, its been a month I didn't see you...too long a pause pappa and this has never happened before.

The only thing which has not changed yet is me reporting to you about what all happened during the day... Minute by minute and me rushing to you for help , even for slightest of my problems.
That wouldn't even change until I die...
Else I cant survive...

Our love story has been very famous even beyond our imagination...everyday there is someone or another telling me, how we have been an ideal couple, an inspiration, famous for our chemistry and inseparable /unconditional love we shared...
and I always answer its the same even now, rather had moved a step ahead and became Eternal love ❤

I cross my heart and I wish to die...
because your heart is where my peace that lies.

Day 28

Today was Ekadashi,Our little Aaryan fasted for the first time-for his beloved Dad...
He did it so effortlessly, that it clearly shows his dedication in doing anything for you💖

I know, as a person you would hate this the most- someone fasting for you, but this would help us relate to how much we love you...
specially for Aaryan...

We had a good big frame of yours in the hall today and everytime I see that, I miss u more...
I remember very well the day I clicked that picture of yours, when you wore the Nehru jacket - gifted by me.
You were also counting on enormous compliments, you got - the day long...

I miss that most handsome man I have ever met in my life...
The most lovable Dad and a wonderful Husband 💖💕

we miss you Srikant💓
 

Day 27

Today Aaryan's dance sir was all praise for him...he says he is incredible for his age!
I felt proud and could feel the same thing for you, as a proud Dad iam sure you must be very glad.

When I was driving the car today I could really feel a new energy in me that drove me down the busy roads of Kondapur, without any difficulty. It was more of you driving it in place of me...
It could be my imagination, But nothing wrong in it unless it is helping me achieve something...

See, you still are my strength, my motivation and my ultimate reason to live.

Was on to reality check for self today and for a while standing face to face- to the brutal reality, will make your life more easier.
Confronting what you ultimately are left with, though shakes you up for a while but slowly would start to sink In...

To be able to do anything for that matter, would not be possible until I know its you who is ultimately guiding and making me do so....

 

Day 26

Today I had been to temple to make arrangements for few of your rituals, it was difficult to stand at the counter and get your name written for the pooja, that is to be commenced on your name.
The Acharya- who was taking down the details saw me weeping all along, couldn't stop but ask me what happened to you...

Had a strange feeling as I sat in our car today, exactly after 25days...was definitely missing you and all through my 3hours of journey was thinking about all memories we had spent together in that car....

I just pray our son gets all the strength to be able to live to his and our dreams boldly.



 

Day 25

Many people who have been telling me lately, that my greif- would trouble you more in your world, which I never wanted...

I will definitely try my best to convert that emotions to a positive stride...

Me and our son started believing, that you are that Eternal life above us- who is helping us sail through this- very difficult times of our life.
Aaryan already feels, you are one among those gods he would pray to give him strength.
He is absolutely true...its you who is helping us live without the very important factor of our life....
Which is way beyond our imagination and possibility.

Love you Shrik, till the Moon and back.

 

Day 24

The only fear that pulls me down is, if I would able to suffice Aaryan's needs from a father??
However Best mom I will be, would I ever be able to satisfy him, to his most loved Dad....

Its only you who can help me do this...you need to be with me, in doing this Together.
Giving our Son a fulfilled and an adorable childhood.

He says dreams of you everyday, this shows how much he misses you!

Iam unable to write anything further as iam still stuck in how best can I do to make him feel better...

Would not be possible without you Shrik!

 

Day 23

I miss you so much today...


I was in the parking waiting for sonny to come back from school, I went to our car. The moment I saw it I realized, it was parked there by you- 23 days back, when all three of us spent a jolly day together at cinemas and playing bowling...that night everything changed for us. It scattered our lives apart...today I don't even know what's happening around us...

I still cant believe it that you left us alone...we lived the life the way we wanted...now everything looks out of hands...

I need you to manage this for me as you always do...

Come back Srikant...we need you💖

Day 22

Gathering all courage to face the reality and still stay strong, to lead the life without you.

I sometimes keep wondering how could this ever happen to us....and that , this is just a nightmare which would end any moment and bring you back to me.

Aaryan started his first professional Hip hop classes from today...and more than anything, he liked it. Wow that's a sigh of relief...

Today was challenging as I was at home all day and was not able to get over your thought, all day long!

please give us strength to fulfil all your dreams and live the life you wanted us to live.

Missing you every moment...
 

Day 21

21st day and when i think of what happened with is, it just seems like yesterday...

Aaryan went to school today after 20 days, had his Math formative assessment and he says he did it well, but just feels would have done better with your help that you offer him- everytime it is maths...

Today in the morning I got a call on your number asking for you, when enquired- it was a call from a consultancy offering you a better profile in Pune. When I told her the situation, the woman on the other side was zapped...see no one still believes it, it's not just me.

Missing you story still continues and would do for ever, just days passing by are making me stronger every minute...with a belief that what ever I happening, wouldn't have been possible without you standing beside me💕

Love you Shrik!

Passing life without you!

I started writing because of you, you had more confidence that I could- even more than i did...
In fact I started living my Life, My Way because you wanted me to and were always behind me...
I still remember those words from you, echoing in my ears now " Don't worry Joyee iam always there for you❤ "
My feelings for you have just gone stronger Shrik...
I started writing this journal just to express my feelings for you in the way you wanted me to express...

You had given me a reason and a motive to live - Aaryan!
Who proves it to me everyday, that he is exactly like you and would make me feel you around me.

Nevertheless I still miss you and would till my last breathe...

I wish to continue this journal to communicate with you and kill my loneliness which no one can fill ever ever again!