Day 74

Planned for our first vacation without you Srikant...
Was sceptical, doubtful and unsure...but the smile on Aaryans face changed my mind.

Iam sure, you would have done the same thing.

We both believe we deserve that break from this routine...

I know u have been instrumental in getting everything in place..Love you Jaan😍

Day 71

we bought a dog on 6th Oct for Aaryan.
he is extremely happy!

as you know he waited for it for more than three years now...

the date of birth of the dog as per the kennel is 30 July...the same day you left us.

hence Aaryan is very connected to it..he feels you sent him to take care of us😊
 

Day 66

Its been almost five days I didn't write to you...
if you ask me why, I wouldn't have an answer.

What is bothering me the most these days Is that are people slowly forgetting you?
I need to do something about it...

It's just been two months now...
or is it just my feeling...
love you...


 

Day 61

Aaryan scored <72% in his term 1 finals.
Iam proud of him as this is, despite what all he is gone through during this time and many lessons he missed.

I will now have to ensure his scores doesn't drop anyway...

I told you Srikant, he will make both of us proud.

Now I don't want to wait long to fulfil our promise to him, of a dog.

His lifetime companion...Dojo

❤
 

Day 60

Day 60,
for what?

You are with me...
I see you daily, feel you daily- in Aaryan,around me and In me.

❤

 

Day 57

Missing you alot now...
The more I look at your lively pictures, the more my heart denies to believe you are not alive....

This challenges me....its says its not possible

Though iam preparing for your monthly ritual tomorrow...my heart doesn't agree with it

It says how can you do it for some one who is alive in you, your thought and with you in every moment....

But iam trying to explain it, this would be good for your stay there in outer world...the moment I say that...anything for good of you Shrik...
anytime, forever ❤

Day 55

There is a part of the day, that brings tears into my eyes automatically...

Every day, this feeling of grief swallows me, when I feel your absence around me....

The pain has not reduced, the intervals of burst out have reduced...they became controlled and don't come as a outburst.

The feeling of emptiness has not reduced...but means to overcome it have increased.

Missing you has not gone, cherishing your memories have increased...

Reason to live has not increased bit want to fulfil your incomplete tasks have increased...

Day 54

Iam expected to stay in the hospital to take care of Mummy....

Isn't it strange that iam not even given time to come out of my situation...

 

Day 53

Mom visited to see me yesterday....
was feeling little restless as we were feeling too much choked by people around us.

Was also feeling, why is Mom coming when we just met a day before..but I know she didn't wanted to leave that chance to see us again.

She fell down near bathroom...i was busy making tea in the kitchen and she slipped and fell off the door mat.
she then after applying spray and hot patch started moving a little then we thought it was a muscle catch....but after doctor check up, it was a fracture...i still don't understand how?

Now I know...this will be an issue that she fell here , not more for me but she would be accused of it.

Parallely people are slightly away from us...as they are busy with mom...
kind of good for is.
we get some breathing time...

she also would get some rest...though associated with some initial pain...but yes. She too needs rest.

I somehow feel its all you, who did it...

iam I true???

Love you anyway...

Day 51

Today I went to a Therapist...
It being a first visit, I don't know of that had helped me...but yeah I could vent out- which were were answering many of my own questions.

Doing this exercise I was realizing that you always kept me ready to be able to manage everything independently...

Iam wrong completely when I said you don't teach me how to live without you, you did!
Everyday and in everything I do...
A Big Thank you for preparing me...
Was feeling bit worried when I started looking at Aaryan... He cant 'ever' spend his time with his favourite Dad!
Must be very tough for him...but he is accepted it...and i see the way he searches that with me...

I decided I will ensure to give him that time, without fail.
Irrespective of mu illness or weakness....
After all its not easy to be the " The Best Dad" you were😘

Day 50

Its 50th Day today...

Unbelievable, how is this even possible Srikant???

I still am not able to digest it yet...

Today was Rakhi...was very difficult for your sisters to accept your absence.

I was also thinking about your hand without Rakhi today...which never happened.
Then, Shobhaji told me she tied one to god today and it relived me that Rakhi reached you my love!!!

But I was missing you all the time...sitting besides you and getting the rakhi tied on my hand....
those days will never come back...ever!!


 

Day 47

Yesterday I went to pick your personal items from office....i felt so miserable as I have never expected to collect your items from office.

After I reached home...me and sonny sat down to open it, we see your small world infolded.
Which is so beautiful with acknowledgment cards, Thank you cards, appreciation notes and a lot of team scribbles to you, as a best Boss and a Leader...

This comforts me that you had always lived your life to the fullest and the way you want...so much so that God was fond of you and took you away 😭

 

Day 45

I feel very low today...
Things that seems to be doable looks very difficult now.
But iam sure you will give me that strength to move on...to be able to gather my confidence back to move on...
its you and only you who can do this for me...

I raise my arms to ask you for the strength to pass tho life without any difficulty...

 

Day 41

I started talking to, reading about few inspirational and brave single moms I knew of. Will help me survive, though every story is different and so is the cause...but the result has been more so ever the same....

I look our love story to be incomparable to anyone else's...
Where you find true love, there is no pain and where there is pain, true love didn't exist.

Now people started taking to me with a common line that, " you must have settled down now"...i wonder did I? Will I ever be able to???

Probably what they meant was, me accepting the truth of life and moving on...
like a very close cousin of mine called me today and says..how is your son, because I know you can never be over....

Iam glad, there are people who understand me...other than you.

 

Happy Birthday Love 💖

I love You and a very Happy Birthday to you 😘

Iam being bold and brave in order to accomplish all the tasks in hand today, but somewhere inside iam grieving!

Iam missing my soul, my better half and the love of my life...

I know where ever you are, you would be fine and I will ensure me and Aaryan would be fine and ...happy here.

Love you loads and don't forget Iam eagerly waiting for the day to reunite with you😚

 

Day 40 contd

Today I bought Dog food, plants for your birthday tomorrow.

I don't know how would I be tomorrow...this would be first birthday in the last 18 years- that we are not together- physically.
I know you are always with us and I understand how difficult it must be for you missing both of us...

I bought a Cherry tree...it not only blossoms with fruits but also gives an umbrella shade. I thought it would be apt for a road side.

Aaryan also wanted to feed the stray dogs in our locality. He calls them his friends and hence wanted to treat them with food on his dad's birthday.

We are doing all these to create an essence of this day and to keep ourselves busy.
Because I know, we both are going to miss you alot ❤

Day 40

Every book I read reconfirms to me, that you are very happy and blissful -wherever you are and the only thing that makes you sad, is we being sad.

I have also learnt that , you are lucky to have reached the eternal bliss, where Death is a celebration and not something to be sad of....

It is somewhere I would catch up with you in some years now...
You are everywhere around me and more available for me, to guide me and strengthen me like never before.

It's now upto me, to come of this grief to be able to accomplish the task, rendered by you- to makeout son live upto our and his dreams successfully.

Day 38

I feel like crippled, handicap...
I became so helpless without you, because you never thought me to be dependent on any one.

It was always you and by myself, here the conditions expect me to be dependent on others. Forcibly, I know I can do few things by myself, but iam expected to seek peoples help and listen a may be expression.

I sometimes feel this is because of the society we are in...they generalise too much...
If one needs help, doesn't mean everyone does.
 

Day 36

I miss you alot!

Every morning I wake up wanting to change everything back to normal.
But every night I sleep in despair as reality blows me hard!

 

Day 35

I got a book, a gift from one of my old friend .
The book spoke about a woman,s struggle with cancer and how he got healed after her NDE...

NDE- that was interesting to me, as it talks about her experiences when she was in the another realm.
It soothed me and gave me a relief and confidence, how happy you would be there. In the world of no pain and how free and liberated you must be feeling away from all this clutches of pain, suffering, emotions and worthless relationships.

It also taught me and reconfirmed to me, that you are here and every where around me....
So when I feel you when I drive your car, or every time I pass by your picture, is just not my imagination or hallucination...its You Srikant...

I didn't finish the book and kept it aside for later read, as for me only the NDE(Near to Death Experience) was important...to confirm it to me that you are happy and blissful where ever you are, THOUGH AWAY FROM ME....